How to Explain War to Children and Protect Mental Health

March 14, 2022

Just when the weather is warming and things are opening, an invasion of Ukraine by Russia has prolonged stress and anxiety among adults and children alike. Many parents are left questioning how to explain war to a child.

Parents naturally want to protect their children from scary things, especially when the outcome is very much out of their control. Sometimes the unknown can be even scarier, and children of a certain age need their adults to explain things they are aware of but don’t understand.

When it comes to young children, who are unaware of the situation, it’s OK to keep quiet on it unless they ask, but refrain from watching the news in front of them or discussing the issue when they’re present. Of course, if they hear about the conflict somewhere else and come to you with questions, it’s OK to talk it out.

How to Talk to Your Children About War

1. Have a Plan

Before talking to your children about war, think it through individually or with your partner first. You need to take time to work through your own emotions before being able to work through your child’s needs.

Research shows that parental distress is associated with adverse child mental health outcomes, so take care of your mental health first and foremost.

There are some questions you should ask yourself before beginning a discussion with a child on the subject, such as:

What are your feelings about the war, and how are you dealing with it emotionally?
What facts about the war do you want to share with your child?
What comforting measures or actions will you offer to your child as part of your discussion?

While it’s important to have a plan for this discussion, you don’t have to have all the answers. In fact, acknowledging your own vulnerability and uncertainties will show your child that he/she isn’t alone, and you can think through the issue together.

2. Bring It Back to Everyday Lessons

As parents, we spend every day teaching and reiterating life lessons. Kindness, respect and decency are all traits that we teach and show through our actions so our children can see them play out in day-to-day experiences.

While the thought of war may be impossible for a child to imagine in his/her young life, the reasons why it’s wrong and causes tough feelings can be connected to lessons the child has already learned. We don’t take things that aren’t ours, for example, is a lesson that a child can connect with to understand the big picture.

We protect people who are being unjustly hurt or bullied is another common lesson.

3. Share What They Need to Know

While it’s important to be truthful when talking to your child about war or tragedy, avoid going into more detail than what’s appropriate for her age. Don’t offer more information than what’s needed for your child to better understand the situation and how to cope with it.

Let her ask questions, and be an open listener. If you don’t know how to answer a question, research it together, and show your child how you work through uncertainties by getting more information and processing it. This may be more suitable for older children who are able to explore news sources with you and dive deeper into a topic for clarity.

4. Share Your Feelings and Reassurance

An article published by the American Psychological Association states that “it is OK to acknowledge your feelings with children.” Children think of parents as role models, and while it may hurt them to see you upset, you will also show that it’s completely normal and you are able to cope with these feelings in a healthy way.

A major part of talking to your children about war is providing reassurance. Make sure you end the conversation with a promise that you will always protect them and be honest with them.

You will be much better able to cope with these big, confusing feelings if they know they can come to you with questions or concerns.

5. Take Action

It may be helpful for your children to put time and effort into doing something good for the people of Ukraine or even their own local community. Studies show that acts of kindness can boost happiness, which is exactly what our children need right now.

Consider collecting donations that can be sent to Ukraine families and soldiers, or children can donate their time by cleaning up a local park, writing letters to nursing home residents or making donations to the local food pantry. These seemingly small acts can show children that they are not helpless and have the power to do their own good in the community and world.

6. Check In

Even after you’ve talked to your children about war, keep checking in on how they are feeling. You may need to reiterate that your family is safe and explain again how this conflict will affect their lives.

It’s also a good idea to set limits on exposure to the news or social media apps that share information on the war. While staying informed is important, too much exposure to the news can cause anxiety and fear.

If your children do want to watch the news, consider doing it together so you can better gauge if it’s appropriate for their age and when to turn it off.

During this difficult time, look out for signs of stress or anxiety. If your child shows behavioral changes like acting out, eating less or having trouble sleeping, talk about it, and reach out for professional help if it persists.

How to Practice Self-Care Yet Remain Engaged and Informed

While it’s important to stay engaged and informed, prioritizing self-care is critical. Set a limit on how much news and social media you consume during this conflict, and stick to news sources that you trust.

If reading or watching the news is impacting you or affecting your mood, take a break for your own mental and emotional health. During this difficult time in world history, pay special attention to these important actions on your self-care checklist: