How to Become a More Disciplined Person | Lori Harder

This week I have special guest Lori Harder. Lori is a multi-passionate serial entrepreneur, bestselling author, and top podcast host. And she's somebody that I've actually started following from afar recently on her Instagram page and other channels and been really impressed. She's built multiple million-dollar businesses, and she's really had, uh, what I've seen as an incredible, um, uh, an incredible multicareer. So having, having, having a career in multiple industries, going from being a certified personal trainer to a nutrition coach. She's been an 11-time cover model and a former, former, uh, Fitness World Champion. But then she started some incredible entrepreneurial companies. She's written a book. Lori, you've done a lot. I'm excited to have you on the podcast today and talk about all things concerning success, reinventing ourselves, overcoming limiting beliefs, and a lot more. But welcome show.

I'm so excited to be here. I feel like we are going to have a lot to talk about.

Yeah, yeah, I know we are. Even before we kicked off here, I know we were saying that I think that we both share a similar passion for what really creates a successful and fulfilling life. And I think that's some— something that a lot of people are— are— everybody wants that, right? Everybody wants to say, okay, I, I, uh, I'm fulfilled, I'm happy, I know I'm living my best life. And so one of the things I really want to focus on with you to start is you've sort of reinvented yourself and moved into multiple industries, right? And I've noticed this with people that are really successful is that they tend to, no matter what they put their hand to, they tend to find a way to be successful in there. And so one of my first questions for you is, is I'd love for you to share about how you have been successful in multiple industries and kind of walk us through your career path of going from the fitness industry to, uh, now more of sort of a motivational personal growth. You've got a, Glossier, a brand that you've launched. You've written a book. So walk us through sort of the, you know, the evolution of Lori Harder.

Oh my goodness. Well, this is, this is such a good question because I think, you know, as we get asked to speak or be on podcasts, as the years go by, it's kind of like you start seeing the patterns. Looking backwards, you're like, wait, there's, there's kind of a formula for success. And I think that starting in the fitness industry really kind of gave me a bit of a, maybe an advantage. And it doesn't mean that starting in the fitness industry, you have to start there, but I think even having a healthy lifestyle can give you a bit of an advantage. And what I mean by that is when I was in the fitness industry and when I was trying to get healthy, I learned a few of these, like, almost like these universal laws to how success comes. And I think that when you start out trying to get healthier and you want to see a result, the first thing that I learned in the fitness industry was that results take a lot of time, and you're going to be doing a lot of work that you're not going to see the benefit sometimes for 6 months to a year. And you have to learn to trust the process. So starting out in the fitness industry, I think that that advantage came of learning from different fitness coaches and people that I was working with. They just kept saying things that drove me freaking crazy, like, trust the process, trust the process, trust the process. And now I think that's been one of the biggest things that I've learned in business is you're going to be doing so much work that is so foundational for so many years that you're not going to see the rewards and the benefits until much later and to learn to fall in love with that process. So in the fitness industry, that was one of the biggest things that I learned is going, I have to find a better reason or a different way or how to enjoy this right now. And I had to learn how to start replacing like thinking that joy was coming from these quick hits and like fall in love with the actual process and why I was doing it. I was doing it because I wanted to be a healthy person. I wanted to feel better. I knew that, you know, the main reason obviously in the beginning is like you just want to look good, especially in the past. You're like, I just want to look good.

I want to—

I want to look strong. I want to have this appearance. But that foundation of laying that throughout fitness has been one of the biggest things that I have learned. That helped me not only in writing a book and in personal development and in changing my mindset and in laying the foundation for, you know, your businesses. But that's really where that came from, was the fitness industry.

You know, I, I, you and I didn't touch on this before we, we got started here, but I, uh, I had a background in the fitness industry. I started off as a personal trainer, and I knew some people you probably competed against, some of them, Chassidy Sloan or Jessica Paxson or others. Anyways, there's some friends I had in Ohio that were all kind of in the industry, and there was a woman who was a— competed in fitness, and her and her husband taught me, actually, along with my dad. But after that, they taught me how to work out and really are some of the people that got me into the whole industry. But one of the things I want to mention that, uh, I think that I've seen in, in— as I sort of studied and looked at, uh, even your social page, and I had, uh, actually Ashley here, who's our producer, I was— I said, hey, tell me, because she said she follows you, she shared a little bit about, about you with me, and I, um, and, and And I think there's something to be said about your attention to detail. I remember this, this, this woman who was, uh, her and her husband were mentors of mine that, like, I mean, she had planned out her workouts and her sets and what she was eating, and she would measure things and, and all of those. I mean, just a very, very close attention to detail. And even, even when I hear about, you know, somebody, uh, actually talking about your brand and what a great job you've done and picking the colors and, and the fonts and all the other thing and just looking at sort of the way that you have created your brand. I think it just takes, you know, a real specific attention to detail, which is a form of discipline. And so anyways, when I see a lot of the success you had, the first thing that jumped into my mind— now, of course, this is just my perspective. It's not actually— you might think it's different, but I see somebody that has really paid really, really close attention to the details, who's really planned things out and then goes through the process. And I think that can be critically important for so many things, whether it be creating great relationships, you know, developing great kids, being successful in your career. But how true is that, that you're probably a person that's very attention to detail and disciplined?

You know, I would say discipline is a massive strength for me, and detail I had to learn. Um, and especially for detail, I will tell you, it— to free everyone up who's like, oh my gosh, I'm a more— I'm more creative than detailed— I'm definitely more creative than detailed, but I have gotten so good at surrounding myself with detail-oriented people and because I know it's a weakness of mine that I have to fill in. So whenever, even when, you know, you mentioned, um, this new company and this new brand, I knew that how people felt when they looked at it and like when they be, you know, were introduced to it, that that was so important to me. And I also knew that details weren't a huge strength. So I was like, who are the best people with details? And I can explain exactly what I want and they can walk me through how we're going to do this. So, you know, it's, it might give the appearance that I'm great with details, but it's actually a a really weak spot for me, but I am extremely disciplined. So discipline for me has been— discipline also came out of not being disciplined at all. I grew up in a household where I lived, you know, we were, we were an overweight family. We didn't stick to anything. I didn't graduate from high school. There was literally no discipline in my schedule. There was no discipline in my life. And the outcome of that was that I felt really anxious. I was always overwhelmed. I never felt good enough. I had huge, um, worthiness issues because my story was I never finish anything. Like, that was in my head on repeat. I never finish anything. I never finish anything. And it got to a point where it got so uncomfortable that I was like, okay, you need— I started learning a little bit about personal development and we could change your identity. And I was like, you just need to finish one thing. And this is where fitness really came into my life. And it was just starting to reach these small fitness goals. And one was I want to compete in a fitness competition. And I remember, um, when I was like setting some goals to do that, I was going to go out on a 3-mile run. And I'm like, I've never even completed a 3-mile run. And so on this run, that one day, I chose to say in my head with every single step, I finish everything. And it was the first time I finished a run. And it was a small promise to— it makes me want to cry because it was a small promise to myself that at that point in my life, I was like, If you can do that by saying this mantra over and over again, like, you just finished something. And so I started stacking from there. But it was one moment where I completed something that I didn't think that I could complete because on prior runs, I was saying, this is hard, you never finish anything, this is who you are, you quit everything. And it was like, oh my God, this stuff actually works. And I started pouring myself more into personal development. But that's really— thank you so much for telling me you feel like I'm detailed and that I'm discipline, because those were two things that I had to learn and overcome.

Well, a couple things are, one, I mean, what a, what a great limiting belief to overcome. I mean, the fact that you, you said you weren't a finisher. There's so many people that say that still to themselves. I just, I, I'm not a finisher, I can't finish anything. And they live with that. And so because of that, they never become who they were, you know, who they were meant to be, you know. They never become the greatest version of themselves. And so that's a really— and I think, I think too, one of the lessons there is, is that You know what, like, it doesn't need to be— like, to be a finisher doesn't mean you have to go and complete a, you know, a, you know, your PhD thesis in psychology. It's like, no, you have to finish a 3-mile run, right? You just get— you've got to finish something and then finish one thing more and another thing and another thing. And, uh, and anyway, so I, I love that. And the other, the other lesson, I think this is so good. I mean, you know, the fact that you typically aren't naturally an attention-to-detail person shows the benefits of who we surround ourselves with, right? If you get right people in your corner in your life. I mean, you know, it makes a huge deal. How, how, what made you start to get really conscious of knowing that you needed to surround yourself with certain types of people? And how conscious are you of that? Like, like what, like one, when did that spark kind of like, what ignited that spark in you to understand that? And how aware are you of that now in, in sort of the other areas of your life?

This is one of my favorite questions because I I have based majority of my work on who you surround yourself with. Like my book, A Tribe Called Bliss, is based on creating a network of people for where you want to go. And by essentially by osmosis and hanging out with these people, you're going to become the person you want. It's kind of that concept of the reason why parents don't want their kids to hang out with the bad kids at school. It's like, great, let's have the kids hang out with the great kids at school. And in turn, they're going to turn into that. And, you know, your environment is stronger than your willpower. And when I understood that, I was Wow. I was 13 years old. 13. This struck me, and I'll tell you why. It was the first time that I was allowed to— I come from a more, um, restrictive religious background, and so I wasn't allowed to hang out with kids outside of my religion, and there weren't a lot of them in my particular congregation where I lived because it was a really small town. So it was the first time that I was allowed to like go and travel to some other kids in another congregation, and because it was far away, they let me stay for a week. So I was 13 and I stayed for 7 days with this other family. And I, at this point, I, I went on my first diet at 8 years old because we struggled with our weight. And at this point, I'd probably gone on multiple diets, could never lose weight. And, you know, it's a whole fat-free craze. My whole family was always on a diet. Deal a meal, um, who's the guy with the curly hair? You know, all the, all the diets.

Richard Simmons. Richard Simmons.

Yeah. Um, different network marketing companies. So I go away had never been able to lose weight. It was already always on my mind. And I go and stay with this other family for a week. And the first day that I get there, I ask them— it's like the evening, right? We've spent the day together, it's the evening, and I'm like, where's your snack drawer? Like, where's your candy and stuff? And she's like, we don't have a snack drawer. And I was like, what are you talking about? Like, what is wrong with this household? And she goes, do you want an apple? And I was Rude, an apple. Like, I don't— like, I literally don't even eat apples at this point. And so 7 days go by and we're just eating super healthy and we're outside every day and we're super active. I go home and I've lost over 5 pounds, and I didn't even know that I was doing anything different because I had fun and we were busy and we were doing other things. And food wasn't the— we weren't the center of all of the activities that we were doing were not revolving around food. It all around, what are we doing, where are we going, we're outside, we're playing. It wasn't a conversation. We were staying really active and busy. And I was just observing, at 13 years old, they have a totally different lifestyle and totally different habits than me. And all I did was put myself into their environment, and I changed. I changed. So that was the moment of— it was, it was an interesting moment for me because it was the huge moment I'm gonna go home and I know my environment is gonna change me back. And so sure enough, I did not keep that weight off. I put the weight back on because it was snacking all night long. It was bonding over food. It was, you know, going for car rides and getting ice cream cones and bonding in that way. And it was a lot less activity and it was more food. So, but that was the realization. That's when I started reading the books and seeing— I was obsessed with fitness magazines, so I would always make my mom um, like we'd go to the grocery store and I'd buy as many fitness magazines as I could. At the time, it was typically only men's magazines with small blurbs about women in them. And I would just read, like, what are these people doing? What is their lifestyle? What are they, you know, what do they do every day? And so I started changing my lifestyle. But one of the biggest things too was, like, being in that environment of that con— the constant habit of food was still a really big struggle. So even though I started exercising and really learning about fitness and lifting weights and going to the gym, I still struggled with the food portion. Um, and when I moved out and when I was 18, I was able to start controlling my environment more. And that's when things started on that trajectory more for me, was like in my early 20s when I could control both, um, the food and the exercise in my environment.

Wow. So, so when you talk about environment, talk to me about some of those key characteristics and qualities, because I would love for everybody listening this, because I think some people might be thinking themselves, well, how do I change my environment? How do I create the ideal environment in order to have a great marriage, or in order to get healthy and fit, or to build a great business like you have?

Environment consists of so many things. You know, environment, it is as simple as one of the things being what you're watching and consuming. Like, what are you letting into your environment? What are you listening to? Are Are you watching shows that are really negative? Are you watching a lot of news? Are you, you know, listening to podcasts that don't make you feel great? Are you listening to music that doesn't make you feel great? And then there's the people piece of the environment. This is a very challenging piece because we can't always change the people in our environment right away. This is one of the hardest things.

Yeah.

So, um, and then I want to just talk about the third piece is also, you know, in your environment is the things you actually eat and what you have inside of your home. So when I had moved out, I decided that I wasn't going to let those things into my environment that weren't healthy for me. If I wanted something that was a treat, I would have to go out and get it, but I wouldn't bring it into the house. And this was a huge game changer for me. So yes, I'd have healthy snacks, but I wouldn't have the things that I knew I was gonna go binge on, or I knew that were going to be my trigger foods. And By the way, this took me years. This did not happen overnight, but it's really what are you letting into your environment? Because those are the things that you are going to grab and go to first. And that really, really helped me just with learning how to control more of my environment, right down to if you're going out to eat, like, make decisions off of what they have on the menu. And if you have friends who are like, let's go to eat, just say, hey, can I pick the restaurant? So these are huge, like, huge things that really changed for me. So let's talk about the people portion, because I think this is where this is where people struggle the most. And you know, if you have a family like I did that still to this day has not totally changed their habits, you are going to potentially need to leave your environment more often. So when I was even getting into, uh, personal development in my current friend group or friend circle, and even my husband wasn't into it, I had to start going out and filling my plate more frequently with the positive stuff and the positive people. And what happened is that the more positive that I became and the more time that I spent with those people, or the more that I started getting into, you know, that, um, more personal development growth type of mindset, I just noticed that it's kind of the crowding out method, you know, in, in fitness and health where they say if you want to eat healthier, try to crowd your plate first with healthy foods. It's that method. It's crowd your life with the people who are positive and be around those people who have the business that you want and the marriage that you want and the life that you want. And what happens is the more you fill your schedule with those people, the less time you actually have for the other people. And so if you have to leave your environment more frequently, that is— there's no— it's not an easy answer, you guys. Everybody wants to hear that there's an easy answer for this. It's not, because sometimes sometimes you are going to have to crowd your life out with the positive stuff. And that means sometimes maybe your old best friend isn't going to be the person who's going to go on this journey with you, but you've already made new friends in this new environment, so it doesn't feel as harsh of a jump. It doesn't feel like, okay, I have to leave you and now I have to go figure out how to make these new friends. You've already started those relationships that are slowly going to replace the other ones.

Yeah, it's so good. You know, one of the things I've studied both in, you know, very similar to you in personal life, also in, in business organizations, is this word culture. And, you know, and culture is the very same thing. In fact, there's a— the psychologist who, um, he's in leadership, his name is Edgar Schein, but when he looks at an organization, uh, he, he talks about— he talks about the, the key components of culture. And it's mostly people's number one, by far the most important. Number two is your place. And number 3 is they call them artifacts, those kind of other things like the music you listen to or your social media channel, all those other exposures that you have. But people really, it's number 1. I mean, nothing is more important. You know, one of the things I think I saw the other day, I follow, uh, I'm friends with Amy Porterfield. And so I want to say I saw a post with, I think you and Jasmine Star. Did you guys all go on a trip together?

Yep.

So fun. Yeah. Look, and by the way, I think you went fly fishing, right?

We did.

Yeah, I just did. Well, I interviewed Amy and then, and then I was looking at Amy's post and so she, you know, she was posting her pictures here and she's in that— obviously, you know, Amy's in Nashville. And so anyways, I was seeing on there and I thought, okay, well, I saw your name and I saw Jasmine's because I, I know that, uh, I'd be, I'd be, you know, I'd be interviewing you soon. And so anyways, talk to me a little bit about some of like, how did you go out and create— who are some of the people you love running around with that have been iron Sharpen's Iron for you. And how did you go about, you know, creating those friendships? Because I think that's another thing sometimes people maybe wonder is, where do I find these people? Where do I find these, you know, uh, these people that can help me, uh, grow, that I can create a great environment and community with?

So let's go back to the very first thing that we said in fitness, and these results in relationships, they take time. Everybody wants something like yesterday. And, you know, I have been working on growing my network really since my, um, early 30s. I'm 42 right now. And so I woke up one day and realized that yes, I was accomplishing goals, but it was, it was going slower than I wanted, and it wasn't fulfilling because it was alone. And I was like, this is not that fun doing life alone. And you know, there's this whole— I had a coach that told me once in fitness, she's like, it's lonely at the top. And I was like, that is not the mantra I want to live by. I don't believe that it is. And so I really started looking at the people who had the lives that I wanted, who seemed really happy and fulfilled, also had like these very fulfilling social networks of people. And the more and more that I learned, you know, when I wrote— when I was writing my book, I really learned about really community being being one of the most important pieces of happiness and of longevity. And so I'm like, there's really something to this community piece. And I started diving into community, and I have to tell you, like, all of the stories like that you have about your life and yourself and relationships, when you start going out and trying to make, you know, these new really beautiful relationships, all your old stories come up. Like, I think especially for women— I know, I know men can feel this way too— but sometimes when we create these, a lot of our old feelings can come up. And, um, when I was going around, uh, for my book tour, I would always ask this first question. It was like, okay, so how do you feel? How do you feel about female friendships or relationships in general? And they would have a story about it. It would be like that women are, um, you know, they talk behind your back, they gossip, that, um, it's like they've had somebody stab them in the back, whatever that relationship was. They can't be trusted, they can't get close to women. Um, there's that quote by Wayne Dyer, it's, um, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. And so it was that— it goes back to the running story. I had this story in my head that I wasn't good in relationships because I didn't have like female friendships. I didn't have a lot of that growing up. And then I had had a couple couple experiences that made me totally guard my heart and throw my walls up because I was like, I can't trust women. You know, they're just gonna talk behind your back or go behind you. And so the realization first of when you want these relationships, you have to know how you feel about these friendships right now. What are you saying to yourself? Do you believe that you're not good enough for these circles? Do you believe that you're worthy of these relationships? Do you believe people can stab you in the back? Whatever that this. And you have to first change that belief. It's just like everything mindset. So I had to start saying to myself, like, I am a value add for people in relationships. I'm fun, I'm light, I'm fun to be around, even if I can't add a lot of value maybe in this certain way. Because as I started to get in these groups of people who I thought were insanely smart, I was like, I'm not smart enough. It was, no, I can hold space for these people. I can be interested. I can ask them questions. I can add value simply by lightening the mood or lightening the room. So that was a big belief that I had to hold walking into these like very intimidating rooms of people that I wanted to be in.

So first, can I tell you— and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this— so, so there are so many women I've talked to over the years, and I'm glad you're bringing this up, that have told me the exact same thing you're telling me now. I mean, so many that have told me, oh, you know, you know, just, just why they don't have female friends is You just repeated kind of word for word the whole, the whole spiel of, you know, stab you in the back, they'll gossip. It's just really hard with women, you know, all of those things. And so, you know, I— and because I don't think men are like that. Like, for me, like, I could get along with— I don't know, like, it's just I never had that at all. And, um, it's— I think this is probably incredibly common.

It— I mean, I— when I toured, I think I went to 14 different cities and just, like, got to spend time in rooms rooms with women asking these exact questions. And I was like blown away by the amount of stories that we've had, because it'll happen once and we kind of write off every relationship after that and almost start attracting it because we look for it, right? And we get what we look for. So the second that someone says something they don't like, we're like, oh, walls up, instead of— a relationship is not something that's disposable. If something comes up in a female relationship, or, you know, just be— you're married, you have a great relationship. It's like if something comes up that you don't like, you can't say, I'm out of here. It's literally, hey, can we talk about this? And we don't— yeah, most of us don't do that. So it's being— it's not only getting in these rooms, changing your belief system, but also being armed with the tools to be able to navigate friendships. And friendships are exactly like actual relationships. I think they're also like romantic relationships. It's like you have to talk about the things that come up, and we've never been taught how to do that. I think we've always been taught how to protect ourselves and say, oh well, I'm better off by myself, which leads to a very, very lonely and, uh, lonely existence and also a really slow, uh, existence in your business, like a slow success rate because you need people and you need friendships and you need support and you need relationships. So going back to your question of where can you find them, there's plenty of places to find them, but I'm almost more concerned about— and I can tell you some places, but I'm more concerned about once you find them, what do you do with it? How do you enter that room?

Yeah.

So, you know, you can go to networking events, you can go to masterminds, you can go to big personal development events. One of the biggest things that I did was every single week I, for years, went to SoulCycle, 3-day days a week and met so many different people that way. You know, I'm a busy person and I'm like, I don't have a ton of time to create these new relationships. So what I did is I would create these relationships within things I was already doing. So do you wanna go for a workout and a 15 to 30 minute coffee afterward? And that was great because it wasn't a huge commitment, right? It's almost like a lunch date. Like, you know, if you're getting asked for a lunch date, they didn't wanna do dinner with you. It's like that. So you could say, let's go workout, let's go grab a coffee for 30 minutes afterward. It wasn't a huge time commitment. And that's where I would invite people who I was like interested in or curious about. And right down to how you ask someone, like when I would ask someone if they wanted to go do this workout with me, it'd be someone who maybe intimidated me a little bit. It was someone who I was interested in what they were doing in their life or in their business. And I'd write them a message that would say, hey, you're super inspiring, you know, here's what I'm up to, I see what you're up to, would you ever ever want to go to a workout and, and then grab a coffee for 30 minutes? I would say the time frame afterwards so they wouldn't feel scared that they could, like, had this overcommitment. I'd say for 30 minutes, won't go longer than that, and just see if we have, like, any value we can add to each other's lives. And so they knew I wasn't gonna go, quote unquote, pick their brain or make them feel like I only wanted, you know, something from them. But it was, how can we see how we could be valuable to each other? And then I'm like, great, something works out great. If not, it would be so great to just have this work out. And so I kind of learned this script, which I actually put in my book, that lets everyone off the hook. Like, the reason that people don't say yes to you in the DMs is because they're scared you're going to manipulate their time, you're gonna be an energy suck for them, and that you're gonna be a stage 5 clinger. So you actually, like, I have to go and I, talk about every single one of these things and I let them off the hook like, hey, this is what it is. Here's the time commitment. You know, if this is the only time we do this, awesome. If, if like there's more, great. Don't say that. Go look at my script.

But I mean, this is all— it's friend dating, you know, it's friend dating.

It's absolutely friend dating. And I have done this like consistently for the past 10 years. And I can tell you, I feel like I have the most beautiful network of people. And was I intimidated going into all of them? Absolutely. But I think that that is your sign that you, you know, if you spot it in somebody and they intimidate you, that's absolutely where you need to go. I think it's also like a— it's like if you see something in someone that you admire, you have that in you. And you also have so much value, even if you just have to start with the idea, because this is where I had to start, because I have the whole 'you're not smart enough' thing in my head from not graduating high school, right? That's like the story still to this day that can still nag at me. And so I had to start with, can you be interested in them? People love to talk about themselves. Could you write down 5 questions that you could go into this friend date with, or this dinner, or this room, that could, you know, absolutely make this person be excited to answer these questions and talk about themselves? Yes, we can do that. And I'll tell you that the person with the best questions is the person that people want to be around the most. So just become a really good question asker, and that is such a valuable skill to have and such a value add to a group.

Yeah, I mean, this is so good. And, and I think that there's probably a few people here— I think a lot of people watching this probably think, I need to do this, like, this is important. And I think realize that life is relationships, you know. I mean, it's the thing that enriches life, gives the life more— gives life more meaning. I found within my own life and my own businesses, every success I've had, or anything that's allowed me to grow or 10x a business or a relationship or just do something really great, was because of a great relationship. You know, I mean, every single one of those. And so every single— I think it's incredibly important. You know, when I look at like a, you know, school curriculum for high schoolers in college, it should be like relationship, uh, some sort of, you know, relationship management that, uh, or building flourishing relationships should be a course because it really is that important to being successful in so many of the things you're sharing. I'm thinking about Chelsea and I, you know, we, we, we, we, we became aware of this, you know, when you have your friend group before you're married, it's a different, you know, and then you get married and then the, you know, friend group starts to change. And Chelsea and I remember thinking, talking about this and praying and just saying, hey, we just, we'd really like to find another couple or a few couples that we really feel people we can connect with. And sometimes you, you, you mentioned that quote, uh, it can be lonely at the top. And I think what I found is sometimes as you grow to new places, one, it can be more difficult if you're growing because you're growing out of your current group, so you have to find new people. So yeah, it can be more difficult. Also, sometimes as you move towards the top though, some of those people have more character and they've done— yeah, I mean, sometimes it's— there's more value, there's more character, there might be some greater things that they've done with their life. And so, you know, I, I think that obviously, uh, there's some really great people everywhere, and I don't know what the bottom and top is, but my point is, you know, you're, you're wherever you're going in life. But I remember Chelsea and I, we ended up running into a couple, and, um, and Chelsea's mentality— so the couple we ran into were Shawn Johnson East and Andrew East. And Shawn, she's an Olympic gold medalist, and Andrew played in the NFL. And so, um, Chelsea is like, I'm like, hey, I think that's, you know, Sean Johnson. And she's like, yeah, don't, don't bother them. She's like, just, you know, she's like, sit down and don't embarrass me. And I was like, well, you know, these are great people. We need to be connected to them. And so I went up there and introduced myself. And I actually, with our, our managers, were talking about doing a collab on something anyways. And then at first her husband Andrew looks at me like, God, I'm trying to do a lunch date here. Why are you interfering with my, you know, my date with my spouse here? Saturday morning coffee. And anyways, we ended up hitting it off, going to the dinner. There's some of our closest friends now. But sometimes you just get out— got to get out of your comfort zone and take a leap. I don't— I think people think once you're married, well, then you stop pursuing relationships. It's like, okay, I did my one, you know, I did that one. But it's like, you know, outside, after high school, I no longer have to pursue to relationships. But obviously what you're talking about is there's a level of prioritization, pursuing, going after it, uh, even a process that you have in your book. Talk to me about your book. So it's A Tribe Called Bliss. That's a really interesting title. So obviously I get tribe, I know what bliss is, but talk to me about A Tribe Called Bliss.

Well, you know, that was 2017, and if I could have named it again, I think I would have named it less cheeky and more exactly what it is. But, um, in all honesty, it was— I, I had an event called the Bliss Project as well at the same time. And so that ran for 8 years, and it was 500 women every year from all over the world. And it was a 3-day personal development event where I would say over 50% of it I just spent time on exercises connecting them. So all they did was breakout, breakout, breakout together. And ask each other questions for majority of it. And so it's this whole theory of if I arm you with better questions, you can literally create amazing, impactful, life-changing relationships in 1 hour, in 2 hours. And this event was proof of that. And these women are still together to this day. So many of them, um, either doing businesses together or doing life together, or it's just the coolest thing to see. It was like a large social experiment where people walked in without the group of friends that they wanted and would leave with them. And so that book was written off of that event that was called The Bliss Project. And so essentially, a tribe called Bliss, um, because I really believe that our happiness is truly found through people, because if we existed solo would there be happiness? Would we be able to share anything? I think nothing has value until shared, because how many great things have you had happen to you and all you can think about is calling your wife or telling your friends or celebrating with your team? And so that, that's why the book was born.

Wow, so cool. Well, encourage everybody, hey, check out the book. If you want to build great relationships and ask good questions, check out the book A Tribe Called Bliss. They're by Lori Harder on Amazon. Lori, one of the things you mentioned a couple times is, um, you dropped out of high school, but then you've gone on to build several multi-million dollar businesses. How'd you do that?

Um, I'm like, high school, it could be great, I wouldn't really know. But I— it's one of those things where I wish that I would have learned exactly what you were talking about. Like, we— high school should have classes on relationships. High school should have, um, different ways of teaching people who maybe don't learn learn in the traditional sense. And I just remember thinking, this method of learning for me is not working. Like, sitting at a desk is not working for me. And so when I, you know, as I got older and started to say, yeah, got into personal development a bit, and I started to realize that that was a story, like that, that fact that I didn't graduate high school was holding me back. You know, you ever go to Tony Robbins UPW and they ask like, what is your story? You're telling your yourself that's holding you back. And mine was, I didn't graduate, so I can't do this, and I have anxiety, and all of these different things. And so I wrote down on, like, the new mantra, like, what could be the new empowering thought? And it was, because I didn't graduate is exactly why I have to go and do the things that I want to do, to prove to all the people who have the same story that they can do it too. And so from there on, I just started going to more specific things that I wanted to learn. I wasn't interested in math. That's not what I'm good at, and I don't need to be good at it. I'm like, other people can be good at it. Plus, we have these little walking calculators with us every single day now. Do you remember when they're like, you're not gonna have a calculator with you every day? And here we are with it every day. Um, and so I just started learning the power of going specifically for what I was drawn to, like going to events, going to, um, you know, master classes, going for certification, getting really clear on what am I good at and releasing everything I'm not. And also realizing this is also the power of, of tribe, of your community, realizing I don't have to be good at everything. I can just be really good at a couple things and let everybody else be good at everything. And that's the power of working with people is like, you can go and fill in the gaps of what you're not good at with other people. And that is the magic of why we're all here is if you can think of your life as a puzzle, like you are just a puzzle piece and it is your job to go and fill in all of the places that you're not good at or the things that you need in your life. And that is the magic of relationships. I really believe that, um, you know, the, the keys to all of the different feelings and things that we want in life are in other people. They're not in us. And like, as we all come together, we all unlock each other.

You know, one of the things I'm curious about, just to create a little, um, uh, separation here, is, you know, and by the way, you haven't really— you and I have a similar story in this. When I was in high school, I told myself I wasn't smart because I was diagnosed with ADHD. I got a really bad grade on a paper and had a teacher tell me essentially I wasn't smart. And so I had this sort of going through this in my head, and later on I really broke that limiting belief and start believing, no, I am smart and I am a great writer, a number of things. But, all that being said, you had said, okay, you believed you weren't smart and then you started getting around other people to kind of make up those areas maybe you weren't great at. But, how did you actually overcome that sort of inner critic? You said that narrative, that story you've repeated over and over and over. What's your advice for how people can silence that inner critic?

You know, this was a huge— I actually, I worked with, um, a woman named Gabrielle Bernstein for a while, and I feel like she was one of the people who really helped me. One of the things that she taught, just like one of the methods which I'll share, really, really helped me. Um, and I thought that we just had to like get rid of the thought, except you can't really get rid of a thought without replacing it. So that's one of the most important things for me in everything that I do. So the fact that I had a limiting belief around not being smart enough and being like— anxiety was a huge one for me. I'm anxious, I'm too nervous, I'm gonna pass out, I can't breathe. Like, social anxiety was a huge thing for me with the not smart enough. And so I wanted to replace these two. And so you can't just say, okay, don't be afraid of that when it comes into your head, or think of something else. You actually have to come up with something and write this out. And I can't remember what all of mine were, but and I'll give you a general idea, you have to go and have that replacement thought. And so if it was like, I'm not smart enough, it was nope. And the second I would say it, I would do that physical thing that I just did. If I wasn't around people or if I was, whatever, but in my head, or I would even do it physically, I'd kind of slap my hand like, and I'd say nope in my head. Or I'd say it if I was on a run by myself, I'd be like, nope, because it just switches it. And I'm like, what do I want to think? So when I will, I, um, you know, when I say it in my head, the limiting belief, I catch it and I'm like, oh, just caught myself. I forgive myself for this thought. So that's what I would say. I'd be like, nope, I forgive myself for this thought. That's normal. That's the old me, like, wanting to stick around. And I replace it with— and then I would say whatever I wanted. So it was, even though I don't feel that way, I know that I can learn. I can— I know that I have the ability to go and be taught X, Y, and Z. Or I know that I can go and find people who do this particular thing for me, or I know that I'm really good, like I have great emotional intelligence and I'm great with meeting people and that skill set is going to serve me in creating this thing that I want. So I would say write out the new mantra for whatever, wherever you're at right now, because it's gonna change. Like when it comes up in my brain now, it feels very different than the mantra that I replaced it with in the beginning. So have that mantra ready. And catch it. Nope, I forgive this thought. And then put the new mantra in. And what happens is it's a very different energy that you come from in making decisions and where your thoughts go after that, once you replace the mantra. So it's a much more empowering, okay, I can still do this, and you move forward instead of going into that spiraling place where when you're in a negative thought— and I know, I know you know this, Josh— like, try like lifting the heaviest weights of your life. Like, think about doing that right now, like curling weights while thinking negative thoughts. Like, you actually— all of the energy in your body, like, drains out. Your demeanor goes down. Your actual physicality, like, you kind of slump. Your head goes down. It actually makes you lose energy and feel like you can't do anything. So just the simple fact of saying something more empowering keeps your energy within you and makes you feel like you could face something that's challenging.

Yeah, that's so good. Yeah, I think sort of rewriting that narrative, uh, is, is just— it's so important. And a lot of it has to do with, again, it's the stories we tell ourselves. I'm not smart, I'm not worthy, I'm not, you know, I'm not good at this. And then, you know, finding that replacement. That was important for me is that, you know, by the way, I have a similar— I, uh, always performed— math was my hardest subject for sure, versus science and English. I tended to, to, to, to, to thrive in. But even with math, I had to go and say, you know what, it's not that I'm bad at math, it's that I'm not interested in it. And because I'm not interested in it, I don't wanna spend the time on it and I don't work hard, but I can work hard if I wanna be great at math, I can be. But again, even if you're not going to do it, it's not a healthy mindset. 'Cause by the way, I don't do a lot of math now. Now I will say, you know, I sometimes be running a business and, and wanting to know the finances. It's like I have jumped into more. And there are certain things I actually— I really wish when I got a— I really wish I would have paid a little bit closer attention when I took accounting, uh, just some of the courses in college, because they would have served me well in being an entrepreneur and running, running my business.

I'm feeling that right now.

Yes, because I had to learn it later. I'm like, gosh, now I got to go and actually learn this and whatever. But I actually, you know, ended up learning it pretty quickly, uh, because I was interested, because it mattered. My business is— matters to my business. This.

Yeah.

Yep. So anyways, you know, one of the things you'd mentioned earlier, your superpower, one of your strengths is, is being disciplined. And there's a study that came out not too long ago, and it said, um, if you want to, uh, get healthy, hang around with disciplined people. Okay, that's what I found. It's like, it's like, hey, if you want to get healthy, it's not, hey, eat more protein or broccoli or lift weights an hour a week. It was like, no, just hang out with more disciplined people. And so I'm curious for yourself in being, you know, uh, having successful relationships, having a very successful career, what are some of the disciplines, the habits, the rituals that you do on a regular basis that have been most impactful in your own growth?

You know, it's— what's interesting around discipline is I, I think this is like a two-part answer because in order for me to be disciplined, it's actually something that I I've learned to do. Like, that in and of itself is a ritual that I do to stay disciplined. Um, and I have— you know, you had chatted before this, we were chatting briefly, that you love visualization. Um, I love visualization. I use it all of the time. And part of, like, the weird thing that I do with visualization is that I visualize my life if I'm not disciplined. And I visualize my life if I don't do the thing that scares me. And I visualize my life if I don't take the action that I am procrastinating on and avoiding. Sometimes this is a short-term visualization, like, how am I going to feel tonight when my head hits the pillow if I don't go do this walk or this workout? Or if I don't go make that hard call, I'm going to be upset. I'm going to be miserable. I'm probably going to pick a fight with my husband because I'm irritated and I want to blame him. And I'm more upset with myself. But what do we do when we are upset with ourselves? We transfer the pain. We transfer it to other people. Um, Richard Rohr has a quote that says if we don't learn how to transform our pain, aka into action or discipline, we're going to transfer it. And so I think of that. I'm like, this isn't just one decision about my head hitting the pillow and me being upset at the end of the night. This is a decision about keeping my relationship This is a decision about feeling fulfilled next year. This is a decision about the person I wanna show up as. This is a decision about staying in those relationships that I want because they're disciplined people and I wanna show up in that way for them. So I am really good at visualizing whether people think this is wrong or not. I am really good at visualizing what will happen if I don't do the thing. And pain has been a huge, it's been a huge motivator for me because I'm like, nope, I don't wanna feel that way. I've already been there. So I think what I'm doing is actually tapping into past pain and going, I don't want to go there again. Like, it's like a hot stove. I'm like, I'm not gonna go touch that again. And I let myself remember what it felt like to be burned. I let myself remember what it felt like when I was lonely. I let myself remember what it feels like when I disappoint people or pick fights with my husband and push him away. So, um, that has been a huge ritual for me that I actually tap into all of the time, and it makes me go take reaction.

It's so good. Before we get into the next one, I do want to say that, um, I think what you're, what you're saying is spot on, you know. I think that, um, you know, and you'd mentioned something I think you kind of alluded to, you know, some people may be critical of you saying that, but I like— I wouldn't be. I think when we study psychology, people make decisions based on pain and pleasure, right? Avoid pain, create pleasure. And I think even if we bring this to, uh, you know, from a religious perspective, faith perspective, of, you know, the Bible talks about, you know, faith, or it actually says fear is— that fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. And so I think God motivates people via fear and love, both. And so it's this pleasure of, of love and that sort of, uh, you know, those sort of qualities. And it's also this fear and justice and discipline sort of on this other side. So anyways, I think what you're saying makes absolute sense. I think there should really be a balance in our lives of this, of we should have healthy fear and reverence of certain things in our life and, and staying away from pain. We need to teach our kids this. Why would it be any different for us? I just— I mean, literally this morning we're like, Arwen, you cannot touch fire. You know, we got a candle burning, you can't touch that. You know, you have to put some healthy fear in there because we love you. So anyways, I just— I, I completely agree that I think a lot of times people get in one ditch or the other, you know, living in complete fear or no fear, I'm just going to focus over here. And then a lot of times it's not motivating enough. So I think that both of those are really important. Talk to me about, like, like, if I ask you, what does your morning look like? What does your day look like? What are some of those core habits that you, that, that, that, that you live out?

Um, this is— mornings are a big one for me. Um, so I love waking up. I have my coffee, not getting rid of it, love it. And then I always either listening to— I always either listen to something motivating or I read motivating. Right now I'm on a big listening kick. Um, it just goes in and out for me. So just listening to a lot of different either business books or like, I love motivational, manifesting, like different things like that. Um, so I will take anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes to listen to something and then I always go for a walk. I mean, every single day of my life, my husband of and I I go for a walk. We try to do one in the evening as well. And on this walk, we also do something called the Power Nine. So simple, you guys, but it has rocked our worlds and changed our lives. It's 3 gratitudes, 3 excited abouts, and 3 manifesting, or things that we want, things that we are desiring, things that we're, you know, we want in our lives. And so what this does is it always reminds me of what I want, because it's really easy to forget, like, what we're even going for and why. Um, and also gratitude, I think, is the most important thing that you can have in your life. I think it's like the key to happiness and also great relationships. Um, and excited abouts are really cool because it just makes you search for the gold of that day instead of getting stuck in your to-do list because it's like, oh yes, I have a busy day, but here's what I'm excited about. And on that evening walk, something that we do is 3 wins. So even if you've had a crappy day, you know, the days that you're just like, there was no no good in this day at all. It makes you dig for what was good about the day. And a lot of times, sometimes it's like, well, I learned a really important lesson today, or I realized that my capacity is a lot stronger than I thought today. And, you know, those are moments that you can either experience by yourself, and you can journal about them too, or you can text a friend. When Chris is gone, I literally either text him or text friends, um, like our Power Nine. I have a girlfriend that I do this with too. Um, but it's so powerful to connect with your partner and know what's going on in their life and what's important and what's been hard. And, you know, what was a win for them that day? So these are things that just— they, they literally bookend my life, and I could not function without them. I think walking is— I think walking is of the biggest life-changing things that you can ever do for yourself. I wouldn't have been able to do anything that I've done, I think, without walking.

I love walking, you know. And, and, you know, I, I actually recently posted, uh, this is on Instagram, a video based on a scientific study that shows, I mean, just how incredible walking is for fitness, for mental health, for a number of things. I mean, it's, it's really It's, it's sort of this, you know, I, I think because fitness and lifting weights and HIIT training and CrossFit, all these things are so popular, I think a lot of times people think, well, walking isn't really moving the needle, but it really is. I mean, Chinese medicine, it's recommended we walk 1,000 steps after meals because of what it does for our digestive system and our overall health. And so it's really, really this amazing thing. So anyways, I just wanted to say I mean, I, I think that it's, you know, and I, I always feel like I have my best ideas sometimes when I'm walking, you know. I remember asking— I had a, uh, a pastor who was a mentor of mine, and I remember telling him that this, this was when I was younger, and, uh, and now I can, I can sit still just fine. But I always had— again, I was diagnosed with ADHD, I always had felt like I had to be moving. And, and I said, you know, I have a hard time— like, I started reading up on meditation, and I thought— I said, I have a hard time just sitting there and just— and so he's like, and just sitting there and praying for long periods. And he said, well, do it while walking. And I started just going on prayer walks. And, uh, and wow, you know what, I just found for myself, just being able to go for long walks and pray and meditate in that way was, was sometimes a lot more effective for me. Because I think a lot of times people think they got to be in the, you know, the— I don't know what that stance is, but, uh, you know, uh, sort of, but it's, um, anyways, so, you know, walking, it's, you know I don't know, it's wonderful.

Same. I've turned like my meditation and sometimes even like visualization practice, like, or just, you know, like imagining, or wouldn't it be cool if, like, I do all of that on walks now because I used to give myself so much like pressure around, okay, you gotta wake up, you got to do your 20 minutes of reading, then you got to do your 10 to 20 minutes of meditating, then you gotta like write in your journal. I'm— that was not working for me. But taking a walk, it's like I could hit all of these different things things. And I was doing it while moving. And truly, we know that like moving is integrating that into your body. So, um, you know, talking about how powerful movement is, if you— when I was trying to memorize my TED Talk, one of the biggest things that I learned was if you want to memorize faster, like move your body with it. So I— and it's true, it works so well. So I would take my TED Talk, each paragraph, on a walk. And so every day I would learn a paragraph, and I'm like, this is, this is insane. I was not remembering anything before this. And I went and I learned that from Elizabeth Gilbert, actually. I went and I took it on a walk and I would move my body to it, like just say it out loud and move my body and kind of act it out. And I memorized that thing in a week, a 20-minute talk. I've never memorized anything in my life. And so if you guys have even anything like that, like even take test on it, like a test on a walk, ask yourself the questions and then say the answers. Like It is so much integration when you move your body with what you're thinking. So that's also why I just think things move faster in my life that I'm kind of like desiring or picturing is everything is said and done on a walk. It's said and done with movement. It's said and done. I love your idea of a prayer walk. We totally do that too. I love it. It just feels like it's— you're incorporating it into your body that way.

Yeah, that's awesome. Well, you know, you've mentioned a lot of people, just a few people that have influenced you or you've you've been reading their books as we've been talking. You know, you mentioned Wayne Dyer, Richard Rohr, Gabby Bernstein. We talked about Amy Porterfield, Jasmine Star. Just a lot of great people during this interview. Who are, who are some of the people— let's say 3 people. Now you can do more or less than that, but, uh, who are 3 people, the 3 people you admire most, and why do you admire them?

Uh, it's so— for every point in my life it changes, you know, because they've, they've gotten me somewhere or whatever. Um, or they're doing something that I want to do, or I'm so inspired by their story. Right now I would say Brennan Burchard for his energy. He is one of the most energetic, enthusiastic— oh, and also I've never met someone who probably has a busier schedule but never talks about the fact that he does, and always makes you feel like you matter. Every single person he knows, I know, they feel like, how does he have time to check in with me. Like, how does he have time to go and do this thing? And so I want to be that way for people. I want to show up and have them feel like it's just us. I don't have a busy schedule, and like, I want to add value. So that is so inspiring to me because it's real easy to be like, I'm busy, or like, and letting people know, or, you know, how busy you are. So that's, um, beautiful for that. Jamie Kern Lima, um, because because, you know, there's so many reasons. This— and this is the last one, but it's a cool one— that she sold her company IT Cosmetics for $1 billion. Obviously, that is like, how did you even get to that place and that mindset? And like, what type of leader did you have to be? And what kind of brand did you create for that? Um, but also, same thing, like, this woman just is the biggest champion of women I've ever met, and I want to be that for women. And I would also like to figure out how she did that with her company. Um, Third, this is, this is tough. Um, third, who else in my life right now? Because there's like 100 people. Um, my husband literally always inspires me daily. Like, he is such a giver, and his relationship with just like his family is so inspiring. And also his relationship with God is so simple, meaning like he just makes it seem so simple. And I think coming from a religious background. Mine is so complex, like, no, you have to do this and be this. And he's just like, no, we're good, we're just good. And so, um, I'm inspired by how he moves through life and how people— he just, he just gives so much to people. So those are my three.

That's great, it's a great list. All right, what is the best piece of advice you've ever received?

Ooh, what is the best piece of advice I've ever received? This is gonna sound so cheesy, but like, but having people remind me to have fun because fun is my, it's my favorite, it's my favorite emotion. I love being silly. I love being goofy. When I am in fun and having fun, I'm a magnet for everything. And why else are we doing anything? If you're not having fun, like with the people you love. Yeah. So literally, what can you do to make your life more fun and make things lighter? And at the end of the day, I'm in this place right now because I'm about to, I'm about to launch a company and I'm like, this better be fun. Like, you better make this fun. You better have fun with your team. You better have fun daily. Like, you better bring the energy because because why else are you doing this? Like, what is this all for? So, and I also know ultimately when we tap into that, that's where all the magic happens.

So yeah, you know, I think there's a lot of wisdom there. You know, I think that, you know, a lot of times I think— now this could be more on the man's side, but I think it's, it's, I think it's, I think it's both men and women— is that we sort of tap into this sort of like stoicism. Like, you know, even, even when you look at you look at the covers of some of these old business magazines, there's, you know, people are, you know, tapping into their stoic side, and, and that's not the fun side. I mean, the stoicism, their, their virtues are very, uh, very— yeah, there's a reason why it's called, oh, that person looks stoic, right? It's like, like no fun. So anyways, and I've noticed this with my businesses in the past, I'm having the most fun. Like, like, we see the most success when we're having the most fun, you know? And it's not just about fun, it's performance plus fun. But I think when you can do those things together, that's, that's great, great advice. What is your best piece of advice for everyone listening here who wants to live their best life?

I just think about my life and the things that you're most resistant of and most afraid of are going to give you the biggest blessings that you can imagine. So going toward the things that you feel resistance around is going to literally change your life. When people are like, I don't know where to start, yeah, you do. It's the thing you're resisting. The most? Maybe that's making new friends. Maybe that's getting to the gym. What are you resisting the most? Maybe it's having hard conversations. Like, start with your top 3 things that you are resisting the most to have the biggest life transformation. And that's where you'll start, like, unlocking all the blessings.

You know, there's a famous psychology, uh, psychologist, C.G. Jung, and he said, um, uh, where your dragon is behind it, that's where you'll find your treasure. So it's that idea. It's like, what is that dragon? What is that thing, that mountain or that thing in your life that's holding you? And, you know, behind that, that's where you'll find your treasure. So that's what it reminds me of. And I think it's a, a great piece of wisdom right there. Uh, well, hey, I want to encourage everybody to check out Lori's book. It's called A Tribe Called Bliss. You can go to amazon.com. It's in bookstores nationwide, but just search A Tribe Called Bliss, Lori Lori Harder, L-O-R-I-H-A-R-D-E-R, Lori Harder. And also check out her podcast, Earn Your Happy. You can, uh, you, you can find some great interviews, uh, there as well. And Lori, I wanna say this was awesome. I really, really enjoyed interviewing you today. It was great, you know, great conversation. And I, I, I love doing these interviews cuz I always learn. I mean, you, you shared a lot of wisdom here and some things that I'm going to, to embrace and implement in my life and always good reminders. So thanks so much.

Oh my gosh, thank you so much for having me. You're so good at what you do. You're a great interviewer. And this was— yeah, this was so fun. And you know, that's my favorite.

So that's right. Hey, let us know, where can we find you on social media?

Um, I am on Instagram mostly, @loriharter. That's pretty much where you're going to find everything that I'm doing.

And you got some great posts on there. I've been on there. Thanks so much to Lori Harder for sharing her wisdom with us today. Hey, Hey, if you're watching on YouTube, let us know what is the— what is that nugget, that piece of wisdom that Lori shared that you're— that most stuck out to you, that you're going to implement, that most impacted your life? Hey, we'd love to hear from you in the comment section there on YouTube. Also, if you're not subscribed to the podcast, make sure to subscribe. We've got some other incredible guests coming up like Lori, uh, in the future. And so listen, if you're not not subscribed, then you might miss out in the feed. Actually, only a small portion of, uh, of the episodes are, are ones you're going to see here on YouTube. And so if you're not subscribed, make sure, make sure to subscribe here as well. And again, thanks so much, Lori, for coming on today and sharing your wisdom.

Thank you for having me.

All right, have a great week, everybody.