Red Flags, Respect, and Different Religions in Relationships | Q&A with Dr. Josh Axe

Do you have any advice on how to navigate finances in marriage? What are your views on relationships between people with different religions? What are some red flags in dating? And the next question is, what are some green flags in dating? They've got great friends.

Continue to pursue your spouse and then listen to her and actually listen to what she says and look to meet and fulfill those needs both emotionally and practically. Can you speak about love languages? Are they real? Does this count? Do I get Points for this? No, you don't get points for this. Hey everyone, Dr. Josh Axe here.

Welcome to the Growth Lab Podcast, where each and every week I cover the science behind how to grow yourself, your health, and today, how to grow in your relationships. And on today's episode, I'm gonna be answering your questions about love, relationships, dating, marriage, and overall how to just have great meaningful relationships.

And I think there are so many people today who don't have great relationships. In fact, we have an epidemic today of loneliness and sadness. And one of the most fulfilling things of my entire life is having a deep intimate marriage, a great relationship with my child, uh, and also just friendships.

I feel like people have my back and I have their back, and I feel like I have a good relationship with my team and coworkers. And so all that being said, today we're gonna dive into how to have meaningful relationships, and this will help you. In every area of your life. In fact, relationships are important to your physical health. They're important to your mental health.

They're important to overall just you feeling like you're living a successful life. And so I'm gonna answer your question starting right now. All right, first question here. I've been praying for a long time for the right spouse, but I'm still single at 33. Do you have any advice for someone in my position? Yes, I do.

And I'm gonna share with you what I did, and I'm gonna share with you what I've recommended, uh, other friends do. As well when they're in this situation. Here's the first thing to know, that if you're praying for the spouse, one, you wanna know exactly what you want in, in a spouse. That's one. Second thing is you wanna know exactly who you need to become in order to attract the right spouse.

And the third thing is you need to know where to find where 2 people like you, someone great like yourself and someone great like you're looking for, where you can meet. And so First off, let's talk about what you wanna look for in a spouse. So I would spend some time and write down what are their exact characteristics. Okay?

Now listen, something that happens sometimes today, and I've heard this more with actually Generation Z a little bit. Now you're 33, so you're a millennial, but I've heard that a lot of times our expectations are way, way too high today due to social media. Now, I don't think it's way too high in terms of character. I think it's probably way too high in terms of— Appearance.

Maybe physical appearance or height or things like that. So what I would do is make a list and write in ranking order of importance, what are the most important things in a spouse? I did this with Chelsea and here's what I did. And I remember my top, my top 4. I wrote down number 1, that she was spiritually on fire for God, that she loved God. She, she was a, a Christian.

Now for you, if, if it's Christian or if it's Jewish or if it's Muslim, whatever it is, I think that's incredibly important. But for me, that was my number 1 ranking thing. So when I was thinking about a spouse, that was deal breaker. By the way, I had this line and it was like, okay, these are the must-haves, and then below, these are the nice-to-haves.

So the must-haves were my wife Chelsea was a Christian. She was spiritually on fire for God. And then I prayed that she was mentally stimulated. We had great conversations. We really felt like we could go deep with one another. And, and so there was that sort of iron sharpens iron with each other. So that was number 2 on my list. And then the third thing was I was physically attracted to her.

That was important, right? And I wasn't looking for, you know, a perfect being in terms of beauty, but I was looking for someone I was physically attracted to. So that was— and for myself, I'm so into health and fitness. I wanted somebody that was physically fit. So that was number— that, that was on there as well. And another big one I wrote, somebody that wants to grow.

I thought that was really important that, you know, I wrote that down and I thought, you know, for myself, I wanna grow. I wanna get better every single day. I wanna grow in my wisdom. I wanna grow in my spiritual life. I wanna grow my career. I wanna grow in my relationships. And so I put that on the list. And another thing I put that we share the same values.

Now, a lot of that has to do with our spiritual life, but we share the same values around healthcare, right? There, there are big topics like, you know, should your kids get shots or, you know, again, a lot around raising kids, right? There's a lot of things around that. And so do I share the same values with her as well in terms of what's most important in life, like our moral compass?

So that was on the list of, hey, those things have to happen. And I want to think— say that, hey, those were my must-haves. I, I didn't have that my wife had to be, you know, above a certain height or below a certain height or a certain weight range or anything like that. I had that these are the things that are most important.

And then after that, I wrote down some other things like likes the water, because my family grew up water skiing. And so I'd love to marry somebody who likes either lakes or the beach. And I wrote down, you know, that she's, uh, Um, you know, that, that she likes, uh, you know, um, working out, right? So that was on there too. Somebody I could work out with. I dreamed of somebody I could do.

In fact, we ended up with my wife putting together doing fitness DVDs within our first couple years of marriage. So all that being said, go back to you. You need to list out the must-haves, what you're looking for in a spouse. And then I also wrote down character qualities, things like she's generous, she's compassionate, she, you know, some of those qualities that I thought were most important.

And so I had my list of must-haves and nice-to-haves, and then I wrote down, who do I need to become? And I realized, you know what, I need to become more wise. I need to be, continue to grow as a leader. I need to become financially stable. I need to be somebody who doesn't get angry. And so I just wrote down, who do I need to become? I need to be more spiritually mature, more financially mature.

And so I wrote down all of the things I needed to become. And then I thought long and hard. I thought, okay, where is the great— what is my best chance of finding this person? And I realized it wasn't going to bars on the weekend. It wasn't, you know, just traveling around the country and just talking to random strangers.

What I found was the best place for me to find this person was in, uh, was at a place like church or synagogue or a place of worship, a place where people get together that share a lot of the same values or spiritual beliefs. That was one on my list. I wrote that down. Another one I wrote down. Is who are the other couples I really admire? Maybe newlywed people.

And I was about 29 at the time, so I thought about who are all the people I know in their 20s and 30s who, you know, maybe they run around with some single women who are, um, you know, who are what I'm looking for. And so I would ask for referrals. Hey, do you know anybody? I'd really love to, you know, I'm, you know, I, I feel like I'm ready to get married in the near future.

And I would share my list with them. Here's what I'm looking for, my must-haves in the person I'm looking to marry. Uh, and, and then, you know, you can listen, you can do dating You can do, go to certain conferences.

But here's the thing, you need to think about where would this sort of person congregate who has high integrity, high morality, shares my values, is maybe, you know, motivated, inspiring person. Write that down and then start becoming that person yourself and then go where those people go. So that's my best advice for you. But again, don't go to bars.

Hang around with other couples that are high integrity people and other groups and group to get togethers like that. And ask to be set up. Be a little bit bold in that way. I see so many people, by the way. I have a lot of friends that I know in their 30s who are still single, and I do see a lot of times where they just they think the person's just going to fall in their lap.

You need to go to pers you need to pursue it. You need to pursue those other couples, and you need to pursue going to a place like church or synagogue or a place of worship, or where high character people those conferences on the weekends, and then. And letting people know you're looking for that person. So anyways, I just wanna say it again. You gotta pursue.

That person won't always just fall in your lap. Okay, next question. What are your, your views on relationships between people with different religions? My view is if somebody is actually truly religious and truly spiritual in that way, it will be very challenging. Now, there are some religions that probably are a little bit more cohesive than others.

So you could talk about somebody who's Christian and somebody who is Jewish in terms of sharing the same Old Testament. Now, that's true for some, and actually some of you may know that that definitely wouldn't work out if somebody is very Orthodox and somebody is very, let's say, a liberal Christian. They're— it wouldn't, you know, then they're actually still really far apart.

But all that being said, I would say that it's not something I would recommend. It's not something that I would ever do. I would never marry somebody with a different religion because it's not fair to them. It's not fair to their kids. Now, it could also be something like religion, like, well, one spouse is Protestant, like an evangelical Christian, and the other is Catholic.

Well, I've seen that work before, or Orthodox and Catholic. And so, so, so sometimes that can work out just fine as long as the people know we're going to major on the majors. Okay. We both believe in, you know, these things and these other things while we believe them, They're not the things we're holding hard and fast to.

But again, I don't think it's ideal because I think it can create confusion and division in the household and with children. So I would say though that, you know, if you are in that situation, you wanna do your best to be understanding of where those other people are at, uh, in that way as well. And I'll gimme an example of this too.

Like, let's, first off, this is just, I'm sure this has happened before, but it's probably the, you know, one of the most rare things if you have a you know, a Jew and a Muslim marry. And the reason is, is that one views God as a, you know, Allah is very much seen as a god of submission. You're my— and you're a slave. Okay.

And while the Jewish view has a little bit of that, it's a little bit more wrestling with God as you would wrestle with a father, a father figure. And so, you know, those views of who God is directly impacts the identity. And so, and those are 2 cultures that are at war with one another.

So if those 2 cultures are at war, how in those religions, how are those people in the home not going to be at war? So again, my final answer here is, is I actually think it's a bad idea if it's completely different religions. I think it's still a little bit challenging if it's, let's say, a Catholic and evangelical, but it's doable for sure.

By the way, I know this because half of my family growing up was Catholic and the other half was evangelical Protestant. And so I know what it's like to have my grandmother and my mom and some tense conversations and things like that. And so all that being said, uh, and, but we all got along just fine. You know, we got along great.

So all that being said, but, but I think ideally you would share the same religion for sure. And for me, I wouldn't, I, I think you wanna marry somebody who shares those same beliefs. Next question. What do you think about age differences in dating? Is it beneficial to have a slight age difference? You know, I don't think it's always beneficial. I think it depends more on the maturity level.

So I'm 6 and a half years older than my wife Chelsea, and my wife Chelsea was extremely mature for her age. Um, you know, I want to say she got married when she was— maybe she was 23, and then I was 29. I think we're kind of our ages. But, uh, but again, she was extremely mature. So I think it's less about age difference, and I think it's more about maturity.

Now, of course, you're going to have some challenges if there's a 15-year age difference or 20-year age difference. If you have somebody who is, you know, 70 and another 50, one person might be extremely active and the other one is having a hard time getting around, and one might pass much earlier than another, likely and statistically.

So age differences, uh, I don't think are— um, my point is, I don't— but all that being said, I don't think age differences are that big of an issue. As I would say, maturity level. I think that is the biggest issue. And by the way, I've known plenty of couples where the 30-year-old is extremely mature and the 45-year-old is just really immature.

And I think it's happened more often where maybe the man was very immature and the woman was less. But actually, I know another couple I'm thinking of right now who is just the exact opposite. He married a woman that was 5 years younger than him. He was extremely mature. She was very immature. And she just never grew up.

So all that being said, I would say personally, don't worry much about age at all, especially if it's within a 10-year age gap. I would say that worry more about the maturity level, both where's their current level of maturity and are they growing? You see them growing a lot in their maturity. That's the bigger thing to look at. Next question, what are some red flags in dating?

And the next question is, What are some green flags in dating? Wow. What are some red flags in dating? I would say the same, by the way. I think this is very similar to— I'm gonna share this the way that I would.

Now listen, this is a much more covenantal relationship if we're talking about dating and marriage, but I do wanna give you an example of employ— employment or the people that I look to spend time around. One of the things that I really think is a big red flag is entitlement. If somebody's entitled, if they feel like that they're owed everything, it's really the opposite of gratefulness.

If somebody lives in a state of entitlement and, and ingratitude, I, I think that's a big red flag. You know, they're the sort of person that'll just quiet quit. They'll just quit their job for no reason. Uh, and so I think that's a, that, that's a big thing, um, is entitlement. They're, they're just kind of always just this.

Uh, the other thing kind of goes along with that is just they're negative about everything. It's hard to be with somebody that's constantly negative about everything. So I would say that's another red flag. Here's another big one, somebody that lacks self-discipline.

There's a lot of men out there today that are in their 20s and even 30s, and they're still playing video games in their mom's basement. Okay? And they just, the only person they think about is themselves. And so I see that really frequently. Frequently. So that would be a big red flag, is lack of discipline. They won't get up and work out. They don't care about their own body and eating healthy.

So that's another one. Here's another red flag: somebody that isn't honoring and disrespectful. If you're dating especially, or in a relationship, and somebody is, is talking down to you, uh, and using any sort of verbal abuse, that is a big-time red flag. So I would say that's a— that's one that you really need to look out for. Is honor and respect.

And that, that actually, love and respect, those are the 2 things that probably most hold a marriage together and cause it to thrive. So if you're missing respect and honor to where you hear somebody saying, well, yeah, she's like that, or, or he's like that, sort of that negative, whether it's gossip or self-talk where they don't have your back, that is a big-time red flag.

If the person you are dating or with is not— Honoring you and showing you respect. And so that's, you know, and the other thing is lack of love. Like if they're just not loving and, and really doing things, going out of their way to serve you, and, and, uh, if they're not for you, encouraging you, you know, that could be a red flag as well.

But I'd say the biggest red flags: lack of discipline, entitlement, dishonor, and not respecting you in that way. Those are some pretty big, big red flags. All right. What are some green flags in dating? So here are some green flags to me. For a man, a man is chivalrous. They open the door for you. They, they're saying, hey, I, you know, they surprise you with a cup of coffee.

And this can work both ways. You know, you love, and by the way, my, I'm thinking about this with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. Like he would always go and just, you know, pick her up a coffee, co— her favorite cup of coffee and bring it to her, surprise her with it. And similar things. She would go and find like his favorite sandwich and Drop it off for him and that sort of thing.

So I think going out of your way— a green flag is they go out of their way to love you and make your day. They think about you like it's not about themselves first. They're thinking about you first. What do you want to do? How can I serve your needs? So they're— they have a servant's heart and they're, and they're, they're, they're thinking constantly about how they can make your day better.

That's a green flag. The other one there is, I think it goes back to a green flag is. They're chivalrous, they're honoring, they're respectful. They're kind of old-fashioned in that way. You know, they want to pick up your bags for you, carry in the groceries for, you know, men. I think, I think those sort of qualities of chivalry are very important.

Another green flag is they take care of themselves. They love themselves so they can love you in terms of not in a narcissistic way, but they work out, they eat healthy, they have good habits. That's another green flag. They have good habits that recommend that, that, that signifies self-discipline. And that they are growing. That's another green flag. The person's growing.

They want to get better. I would say that, you know, I think about this with my parents. And so, you know, my mom, before she would marry my dad, she really wanted to see that he wanted to grow in his faith and get better.

And I think that's another thing is, is that if you're a person of faith and you are marrying somebody who, or dating somebody who's just really not that into it, uh, their faith, then it's probably not the right person. Because you're on a very different growth trajectory. You might be growing like this and they might just be growing like this.

And so that's another green flag, is that person wants to grow and get better. Now, here's another green flag. They've got great friends. Okay? You know, birds of a similar feather flock together, right? So, so if they've got, you know, a good friend group, sometimes that can signify— now listen, sometimes you've got a beautiful apple in a bad of all bad, a batch of all bad apples.

But overall, I would say that the quality of the people they spend time with is a green flag.

And if the people around them speak highly of them, like when I was around Chelsea, you know, I got around her cousin and I remember, uh, you know, he was like, he was just raving about, you know what, you've got a really— and this, this is a man who is a, uh, actually a, a, a, he's a pastor and just really high quality.

He said, you know, you know, Chelsea is a woman of just really great character. You've really, you know, like, you, you know, you've really landed just a, a, a beautifully incredible person. Yeah. And for me, it really meant a lot knowing, cuz this was a man I really respected and the fact that he spoke so highly of the woman that I was looking to marry. So that was another green flag there.

Next question. Can you speak about love languages? Are they real? And do you use them to strengthen your relationships? I can tell you, yes, they're real. Chelsea and I did read the book, The Five Love Languages. And, um, and I was, uh, touch and words of, words of affirmation. And my wife is quality time and, um, acts of service. And so we had this ongoing joke, by the way.

And I listen, I, I, I real— I experienced the realness my first year of marriage because I would start to notice that if I would tell If I would encourage Chelsea, I like, it really doesn't make a big difference to her. Physical touch, you know, it doesn't make as big a difference to her.

But if I would have a deep intimate conversation with my wife and we'd maybe read a book together and I asked her about, you know, that something deep and spiritual, it was like I could, I could literally see and feel from her energy. And by the way, you know what I'm talking about if you're in a relationship. I could see her love tank. Just, just shooting up.

And I remember sitting on the couch a few times and I felt like quality time was early on in marriage, that it was us sitting on the couch together watching our favorite TV series. And I realized afterwards, you know what, I don't— her love tank isn't anymore full.

And so I started asking her, I was, I was, I was kind of joking, but after time I realized, no, I'm, I'm actually asking this cuz I wanna know. There were certain things I would ask her and I would say, Does this count? Do I get points for this? And she would, and she would tell me sometimes like, no, you don't get points for this. Or yeah, yeah, this count. Yeah, you got a few points for this.

So I would bring her flowers or surprise her with chocolate or bring her a coffee. And I thought, okay, acts of service, those, you know, those get me some points, those acts of service. Um, but those deep conversations, that quality time for her was like, whoa. But it's like, I could, you know, I'd do certain other things and it just was like, well, it made no difference.

And so, all that being said, um, yes, The Love Languages are real. It's a fantastic book. I would read it. And I think it's a really good way to follow the golden rule of loving your neighbor, loving that you're the person you're dating or even your spouse and getting to know them.

Because again, for me to know that Chelsea is quality time really allows me know, uh, it, it lets me know how to better love her and serve her. In that way. So yes, I love the languages. Yes, you should read the book, and also you should practice the love languages.

And, uh, and if you're a man out there too and you have a wife that's quality of time, I mean, you know, pay attention to, you know, that, you know, if it counts or not. And, uh, and I think a lot of you guys will see, you know, if it counts or not. Like my sister, by the way, she's gifts. Like you get my sister a gift, she is— I mean, you can see her love tank just Just fills up immediately.

And so everybody's different and you can really see, like my sister, if I, uh, and she's also words of encouragement number 2. So if I give my sister a gift and I say something kind to her, man, it just lifts her up versus if I, uh, you know, give her a hug or, uh, or even an act of service, she doesn't, doesn't move the needle for her. So, all right.

What are your top daily routines or habits for strengthening your marriage? I think for now, this is for my wife. Uh, again, now she's, her love language is, um, quality time.

I think for me to have 30 minutes of just a divided attention where I'm not on my phone or computer in the morning when her and Arwen wake up and I'm in there and we're eating breakfast together and we're talking about our day and just, I'm spending time with Arwen running around and whatever.

So I think that 30 minutes in the morning, and I'm able to do that cuz I'm an entrepreneur and set my own schedule. I think that means a lot to Chelsea. I think our evening routine where we're having family dinner and I'm asking her, hey, what are you reading about? Tell me about a sermon you listened to this week, or whatever it is.

But I would say our, our, you know, regular routines, I, for us, some of it's daily, but I want to kind of touch on it in a more weekly basis. Going to church together on Sundays. Uh, we love doing meals together, like brunch. And so that's something that's really great. So weekends we'll do like Saturdays. Now we go to the farmer's market on Saturday morning.

And then we go to, we go to brunch afterwards. And similar thing, we do that. We go to church, we go eat afterwards. And so, I think those are really good routines for us. Um, some of the best. I think one of my favorite things to do in the morning is just walk up to Chelsea, give her a big hug and say, I love you. And hey, how can I support you today? What's going on today?

And, and hey, what's your schedule like? And so, she'll share, share her schedule. And if there's something I can do to support her, uh, and take some stress off her, that's a good— I think I think that hug in the morning and sharing, hey, how can we serve each other, is great. Praying around meals. And so praying at breakfast, this is something we do breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

We pray together. I think that's a really great routine as well. But I would say that, you know, prayer, church attendance, family meals, I would think that hug and saying, hey, how can I serve you today? I think those are some of our best daily routines. And I would also say reading together.

Um, if you read a book together, even if it's just a few times a year, or Chelsea and I will say, hey, like, we'll share, uh, we'll share videos we watch back and forth on YouTube, whether it's a sermon or a personal growth talk or a funny video. And we'll say, hey, did you see that video? Or, hey, did you listen to our, you know, favorite pastor this week? Or whatever.

But I think having those ongoing conversations about where we're learning and growing, growing together, is another routine that I think has really helped strengthen our marriage. And another good routine is Meeting up with other godly couples on a regular basis, I think, has been good. Another question.

I read that a wife should honor her husband by respecting him, and a husband should honor his wife by loving her. What are some ways a wife can show her husband she respects him and vice versa? Here's what I would say, uh, in terms of respect. I think one, Respect is a tone of voice, and I think it's a form of energy.

And I think when you're around other people speaking highly of your husband and he hears that or doesn't, either way.

But I think if he hears that, just saying, you know, if Chelsea said, and she was among other women and she said, spoke something like, you know, Josh was able to meet with this person this week and they had a great meeting and hey, he was able to Him and Jordan Rubin were at the farm this week and they planted 10,000 trees or something. Or, hey, go to Josh for advice.

In fact, my wife will refer me and say, hey, would you talk to Josh about this? He'd have some wisdom on that. We just did that with her cousin who's having a health issue. And I think in a form, now that I'm just thinking of it, it's a sign of respect because she trusts me in giving advice to somebody.

I do think if a wife goes to her husband for advice on something— now it's this thing where, what, you know, women want to be, uh, are more emotionally driven and men are more logically driven in a lot of cases. And so I think women want to be heard and men just want to give the advice and they just want to fix it. They want to fix the problem.

And so I think if you let him fix the problem, sometimes that is a form of respect. But I think it's a couple of those things. I think if you're able to just verbally honor him, and here's something Chelsea will do sometimes, and it always means a lot to me.

Chelsea will come up, it's probably once a month, something like that, and she'll come up and she'll give me a hug, or we'll be on a date night or date day and she'll say, hey, I just want to let you know how grateful I am that you provide for our family.

Or she might say, hey, I just want to let you know how I'm just so grateful, or what a great father you are, that you just are so great with Arwin when And you were playing with her the other day and nursing her needs, or you taught her this life lesson or principle. I just, I love that about you.

And so I think that that's one of the most meaningful things you can do in a relationship is go up and really look that person in the eye or embrace them in a hug and let them know, hey, I noticed you did that and that was well done. And I think that's a great sign of respect.

And I think that probably doesn't happen as much as maybe it should, where a wife is going to her husband and saying, I'm so grateful for you providing for us. I'm so grateful for you that you did this as a husband, as a father.

So, so I would say that I think that that is probably what Chelsea does for me that moves me the most in the most meaningful way is when she comes up and tells me that, you know, uh, uh, you know, once a month or so. And I would say a very similar thing in terms of how can a husband love his wife? I think first and foremost, I think understanding the way that she's feeling and verbalizing that.

Like, one of the things I try and do with Chelsea, because it's a lot to raise a kid, like, you know, like Chelsea's pregnant with our second now and about to have— I'm about to have a second daughter and excited to be a girl dad. And so, but I know it's a lot of work and I don't think the world always maybe speaks out or recognizes how hard being a mom is.

I actually think a mom is this thing, and a mom and a dad. Yeah. That, that as a role and an identity is, is maybe the single most important role and identity anyone could fill.

I, I remember reading a recent study and it said if you were to try and hire in a person to be a full-time mom, their average salary per year would be $184,000 per year because of all of the hours and the time teaching and cleaning and all the stuff for that many stay-at-home moms do.

And so all that being said, I think that one of the greatest things that a man can do is let his wife know and listen to her and also recognize, like with Chelsea, I let Chelsea know constantly because she's such a good mom. And I let Chelsea know with Arwen, for instance, she's taught Arwen to pray. She's taught her to sing some songs. She's teaching her to read.

And I'll just walk up and I'll just— and I do this regularly with Chelsea, Once a month, or maybe it's probably more like even every other week. And I'll walk up and I'll hug her and I'll say, Chelsea, I am just so grateful that I married you. 'Cause not only are you a great wife, you're an amazing mom. And I love how you're teaching Arin. Like, Arin just learned how to do a puzzle.

I love that you're making our daughter more brilliant and, and a great problem solver. Thank you. And that's it. And it takes about 30 seconds to do, but I guarantee that that is a very meaningful thing for Chelsea and me being able to listen and know what her needs are and look to fulfill those needs. I also think just continuing to pursue your wife.

If you're a, if you're a man listening, and this is true with dating as well, it's like you should be pursuing people. I still bring flowers home. I still, you know, ask her what her favorite meal is and prepare it in the kitchen. I still try and figure out, like, Chelsea likes plays and she likes visiting New York and she likes to be like, she likes things.

And so I look to continue to serve her and, but I, I still pursue her. We still go on date nights. And so I would say that's another thing that I think that's important for men to do is continue to pursue your spouse and then listen to her and actually listen to what she says and look to meet and fulfill those needs both emotionally and practically. Next question.

Do you have any advice on how to navigate finances in marriage? Is this something you talked about with your wife prior to getting married? I wanna say I'm not the best at this in terms of actually talking about the finances.

I've been in a position to where I have gone out and worked very hard and very focused and been able to bring in enough money to where I just— I'm going to be real transparent and honest. We have not had the level of financial stress that some people might have at certain points. But I will say, actually, we had a point where we actually lost all our money. This is about maybe 8 or 9 years ago.

I started a business and we wanted to get out of debt, so we paid off all our debt. And ended up one of the businesses failed and we ended up having like, like, like a month's money left in the bank total. And so I had to go and switch careers, do something different. And I haven't shared this much. And, and here's what we did when we were in that situation.

We both got down on our hands and knees and we prayed and we said, God, we just wanna honor you with our finances. Would you give us wisdom on the next steps of what we can do, uh, to, um, to pay this next month's bills? And to, you know, grow, grow, grow our finances. And so that's— Chelsea and I are both wired like that.

I do think for most people, practically having a budget and, and actually going through, here are the must-haves and the things we really want to do as a family, and here's what we can't do. So I do think there is a process of it. And I think Chelsea, by the way, Chelsea and I are aware of this.

We just are not— we haven't mapped out every dollar and, and cent, which I think you should do probably. But we are very much aligned on, like, for instance, okay, what can we afford to do when we're in that situation? It's, well, we're going to spend so much on our home. Okay, how about this vacation here? Okay, let's take this one. Can we take this one? No, we can't. Okay.

And so, and by the way, Chelsea, uh, is very aware of these things. And, and so she'll, you know, shop at, you know, not designer places, just places like that are, you know, everyday places, you know, you'd order or order on Amazon, whatever, something that's That's not that expensive. And so, all that being said, you know, any advice for navigating finances in marriage?

Yeah, I would say both spouses are aware what the financial situation is and they both agree upon, here are the things in ranking order that we want to spend on. And once we, you know, get to this line, the things below it, we don't spend money on those things and we don't rack up debt.

If you want some better, some more advice on sort of financial prosperity and getting debt-free, I'd listen to Dave Ramsey. We just, you know, I had him, he's coming on an upcoming podcast episode here soon. Another question is, is it healthy for a married couple to sleep in separate bedrooms in order to get better sleep? You know what? I don't know that there's any great research on this.

I think, in my opinion, if you have kids that are sleeping in the bedroom and you're not getting any sleep, I think it's probably okay to sleep in a different bedroom. And the reason I say that is, is that there are other places you can connect.

If you say, hey, we're not sleep— we're not in the same bedroom because of this reason at certain periods of time, uh, but we're gonna go out there and we have date nights scheduled. We have, uh, you know, we have quality time scheduled. We have this, and you have all of these other times that you're connecting during the day. I, I don't personally see it being a big problem.

Um, I, especially when Chelsea has, has, uh, has, uh, you know, kids at a certain age, I've slept in a separate bedroom at times. Um, and I don't think it negatively affected our relationship in terms of, hey, if we would continue to go on and pray together and, and have family dinners together and get quality time together and date nights together.

So, so all that being said, my, my opinion is that I think that— now, do I think long term it's probably better and healthier for couples to sleep in the same bedroom for their relational connection? I do. Okay. But I think for a period of time, um, and maybe someone's a snorer, or maybe you just don't— here's another idea, maybe you get 2 twin beds and they're kind of like right by each other.

So I don't, I don't know the exact example. Now, by the way, Chelsea and I, I mean, I used to give her a hard time because, listen, she'll— she denied this probably, but she is a cover stealer.

And so Chelsea, like, when we first got married, I would wake up in the morning And she would go like this, and somehow overnight she would wrap the entire blanket around her, and I would just end up with no blanket. And, and I would, I would give her a, you know, I would call her a blanket stealer, you know, the rest. And she's like that, you know, that didn't happen.

So she still probably denies it to this day, but she did it. You know, there are other solutions. So I think it's better to sleep together in the same bedroom if you can. Maybe you get 2 twin beds, or maybe you get different blankets or a pillow or whatever. Or if you're a snorer, try not to snore. But if not, if there are certain things, you do need quality sleep.

Because here's the thing, if you only sleep 4 hours a night versus 8 hours and you're cranky and you can't work right and whatever, that's bad for relationships too. So I think just, you know, I don't have a black and white answer for you on that question. All right, next question. I loved your podcast interview with Rebecca Zung on narcissism, and I'm hoping for more guidance.

What can I do if I'm married to The first thing that comes to mind is we're all called to love everyone. We're called to love our spouses. We're called to love our enemies. We're called to love people with big egos. We're called to love people that are victims or low-confidence people. So we're called to love everyone. So my first piece of advice is, is love them, encourage them.

One of the things I'll say when I think of narcissism that might be helpful is Also letting them realize that they're not the number one person in the world, that God is. So it's not you either. But I think for them, the more that you can support them in reading something that helps put them in their own self in the proper position and hierarchy in the world order, I think that would be helpful.

So if you have a narc, somebody who's narcissistic, which they're thinking, I'm great, I'm wonderful, I'm at the center of the earth. If you can help them reading the Bible and getting around other good, great people or teachers, and they can start reading about, no, God is the center of the universe and he's to be praised and to glorified.

To me, that's one of the greatest things you can do for a narcissist. And so playing, you know, my, my mom always had like a sermon or she had someone like, you know, Joyce Meyer or somebody playing, you know, on our, on our, and then the TV in our home. Um, uh, you know, always had, you know, Billy Graham, like always somebody was playing there.

And, and then we were always going to church and reading the Bible together. So I think that if you're able to have somebody who gets exposed to and starts reading that biblical narrative, that, that's, that's probably the best piece of advice I could have, uh, on how to help a narcissist.

By the way, I do have a friend that I would say— I know several people, and one in particular who's a narcissist. And I think he's in the healthiest position when he's reading the Bible. He's in that place of like, especially some of the verses and things that really focus on humility.

Now, sometimes even because of it, he gets a level of hubris, like he gets this level of almost religious superiority, which isn't good either. But I think it's still a healthier place than he was before. And so that's the best advice I have there. Next question. I've been trying to eat healthy. But my husband prefers to eat junk food, so I've been making 2 separate meals each night.

How can I encourage my husband to take his health seriously? We had a little bit of this issue in my household because my mom wanted to eat healthy growing up and my dad really didn't care as much. And so what I think we found over time was my dad eventually changed, and based on a couple reasons. My mom had breast cancer, so she started having to eat healthier.

And I think she started to tell my dad, honey, I love you, but I can't keep making 2 meals. Maybe I can do it a couple nights a week and you can have leftovers, but I cannot do this every night. And so if you want to eat the other nights, you're going to have to make the food yourself. But I will make healthy food, and if you want it, you can have it.

And over time, my dad would have one healthy meal a night and then 2. And then 3, and then now it's almost all healthy. And so, all that being said, I think that's what I found over time is you want to slowly ease them into it. And then, I would say as well, if you're going to cook healthy foods, try and make it to a similar dish that they like. I'll give you an example.

My mom could make— my dad loved meatloaf. So, she would try and find a recipe that was similar but with healthier ingredients that he could have. And so— Or chicken Parmesan rather than using the white flour, we're using a, you know, a, uh, a gluten-free flour, and we're using natural pasta sauce and not conventional cheese. It's raw cheese. And my dad didn't even know this, the difference.

So I would say do your best to— what I would say is make this more of a negotiation if you can, not this or this. What I would try and do is make it a negotiation and also say, listen, honey, I can't emotionally do this, and physically I want you to be around with our grandkids one day.

And because of that, I'll make you a couple meals a week, but I'd like for you to try and eat these other meals a week. And hey, tell me some of your favorite dishes. I'll do my best to try and make those as close as possible. But that's the best I can say is try and make it a little bit of a negotiation. Try and meet him in the middle and try and get him to meet you in the middle in that way.

But again, this is something I know a lot of people deal with, but try and make it a negotiation and think about what you're willing and able to do. And see if he'll meet you in the middle. Well, everybody, I, I've really enjoyed talking about relationships because they're so important. They're important to your physical health.

There are studies that show that the people you hang around with can oftentimes equate to your level of health and financial success and a number of things. And so it's really important that we focus on fostering good relationships, whether it be a marriage or dating or just quality friendships or workplace relationships. But I hope this advice has helped you.

And by the way, I'd love to hear from you in the comment section. What is the best dating advice or marriage advice you've ever received? Also, if there's something that stuck out that I shared with you, please mention that in the comments.

And hey, if you have a spouse or somebody that you're sleeping with, and maybe it's a child and they steal the covers or get too hot in bed or whatever, feel free to tell your stories or share those there as well. So thanks everybody who— for sharing this. Thanks for everybody who subscribed to this. Make sure you don't miss a video by subscribing.

And last but not least, if you liked this video, go check out my new video on why you need better friends right here. I think you're going to love this next video. Thanks for watching.