The Science of Phubbing: How it Destroys Your Kids and Relationships

Ultimately, phubbing or phone snubbing lessens the quality of bonding experiences, which then when that happens repeatedly, repeatedly damages your relationships.

So if you want to be a great parent, if you want to be a great spouse, if you want to be a great friend, stop phubbing or phone snubbing and pay attention to the person that's right in front of you, that person that is so important to you in your life. Hey, I'm Dr. Josh Axe. Welcome to this week's Welcome to this week's Growth Lab podcast.

Today I'm gonna be talking about phubbing, and phubbing is also known as phone snubbing, and it might be the biggest mistake you're making in your relationships. In fact, new science is showing it may destroy your marriage and even your relationship with your kids. And so in this episode, I'm gonna go through the science behind it and what you can do.

So phone snubbing happens when we're so engrossed in our phones that we ignore the people around us, including our spouses, kids, and closest friends. And have you ever been in the position to where you were talking with somebody Literally in the middle of your conversation, all of a sudden they're on their phone or they're trying to look at you and be on their phone at the same time.

And that really impedes real connection that people should be having. And so what— and I'd ask you, what are some of the emotions that you maybe have felt when you're trying to talk to somebody, you're trying to engage with them in conversation, and they are phone snubbing you? Well, according to a recent study, 8 out of 10 married couples felt like smartphone use is hurting their marriage.

That's a really high number. 80% Of people feel like smartphones are harming their marriage. And another recent study found that obsession with our phones could be taking our toll on our relationships. And the study found it leads to lower satisfaction with marriage, less intimacy, and potential increase in divorce rates. Now, if you are being phone snubbed, here's what you should do.

You know, I would stop and tell somebody how it's affecting you emotionally and what your goal is in the relationship. So for instance, if you're with your spouse and they're phone snubbing you, to say, hey honey, I want to let you know that I would really love to be able to engage with you right now in conversation. When you're on your phone, it's really hard for me to do that.

I understand you have things to do. And then have a conversation from there about boundaries. I think this is really important. For instance, you know, no phone at the dinner table or while in bed, right? So set up specific ground rules around phone use.

You know, there are other studies showing that if you consume or you're on your phone on social media more than an hour a day, it can start leading to depression, anxiety, and mental health issues. And so you wanna have a very specific amount of time or at certain times where you're not on your phone.

Now, here's why this works and why phone snubbing or smartphone addiction is such a problem, is when you're on your smartphone, especially on social media, dopamine is released. And dopamine is a hormone or a neurotransmitter that's really connected connected to addiction.

And it's really a complex, you know, this idea between dopamine and your cell phone is really a sort of a unique interplay between neuroscience, psychology, and technology. And dopamine is a neurotransmitter that basically tells your brain that it's being rewarded. It's your brain's reward system. So it's often associated with pleasure, motivation, or reinforcing certain behaviors.

And so think about it like you're at a slot machine. This is dopamine. Okay, you're sitting there and you're waiting for, hey, you know, to get 3 in a row. And so that's what dopamine is, is your body is saying, okay, I'm getting a reward here. And you probably have had this happen, by the way.

I want to share, I've had this happen to me where all of a sudden I'm on my phone and it's like I don't realize it, or I'm constantly picking up my phone and it's because it's addiction. And you can build these sort of unconscious neural pathways to where you're automatically on it even and you're not trying to be rude.

You're on your phone and all of a sudden somebody's talking to you and you're back on your phone again. And again, here's why this works is dopamine release and reward. So your smartphone use triggers dopamine, which creates a sense of pleasure and reward. Next, it's this sort of gratification, immediate gratification based on your behavior. The other thing is it's social validation.

So social media interaction triggers dopamine release due to validation. Here's how this works. So you pick up your phone and you made a post recently and you're looking at how many people liked it. And then you pick it up again and one more person likes it. And then 2 people like it. And then you pick it up, nobody likes it. And so you're waiting again, waiting for someone else.

This is what happens to so many of us is we're waiting for this social validation, for someone to tell us we're worthy, we're important, we're significant, our post mattered, which means that we matter. And so there's really something sort of deeply psychological going on with this dopamine release and our addiction to our smartphones. Escapism and boredom is another big reason.

You know, smartphones offer an escape from sometimes uncomfortable emotions. Maybe you are having a relationship issue with somebody you care about. There's relationship turmoil.

And instead of going and praying about it or going on a walk or meditating or having a conversation with a friend to kind of work through your emotions or a therapist or even the person you need to confront, You instead escape to your phone to escape reality. It's not healthy. Again, all of these things I'm mentioning are not healthy.

They destroy your mental health, which in turn restores your physical health and your relationships. The other thing is neuroplasticity and habit formation. Frequent use strengthens the brain's pathways forming habits. This is what I mentioned earlier. You do it without even realizing it becomes an addiction.

And so all of a sudden your phone's at the dinner table constantly and in the middle of dinner with everybody, you're on your phone and you get sucked in. And so what happens is your brain creates a response where without you even knowing, unconsciously— there was a psychological study many years ago by Maslow. And basically you've heard of the ringing bell and the dog would salivate.

So he would ring a bell and then give the dog a treat. And then he would ring the bell and give the dog a treat. And eventually he would just ring the bell without giving the dog a treat and the dog would still salivate thinking, oh, this is coming. This is— This is happening. I'm going to get food. And so you start to get in that sort of neural pathway.

And then sometimes when it gets that bad, you have withdrawals and cravings if you don't have it. You know, think about somebody who's addicted to a drug and that sort of those, those, the dopamine released when you're addicted to drugs or alcohol or sex or something along those lines. If you have an addiction and then you go away from it, well, then you feel bad. You're dependent.

You start having these cravings and withdrawal symptoms that will happen. When you stop overusing your phone because you'll feel, you'll feel bored. It's actually good to feel bored. Sometimes it allows your brain to rest. It allows you to think more. And so it's really important that you think through this. Also, it's important to think about what are you addicted to.

It's a lot better to, if you're following, let's say, leadership accounts or health or personal growth on social media, people that are virtuous versus comparing yourself to other people and how that makes you feel. So, so don't be this person. Here are some ground rules when we're talking about phone snubbing or phubbing. Lower eyes to the phone in the middle of a conversation.

Do not be talking to somebody and on your phone at the same time. Don't be on your phone at mealtime. It's one of the biggest faux pas out there. So that's a time to connect with your family. In fact, other studies show that one of the greatest ways to build strong family bonds is conversation during a meal. Being on your phone at an event with family and friends.

Okay, so you're out at a party and you end up being on the phone half the time. And another one is, listen to this study, nearly 32% of people reported being phubbed or phone snubbed 2 to 3 times daily. So 1/3 of you are about 3 times a day being phone snubbed by somebody, and almost everybody is phone snubbed at least once a week at this point in time.

Now here are the following warning signs you might be a phubber. You are never without your phone, and when you're not using it, you feel a sense of discomfort or fear of missing out. Another warning sign is you rarely focus on one conversation at a time. Instead, you're simultaneously carrying on two lines of communication, one in person and one through your phone.

Another one is when spending quality time with loved ones, you still automatically somehow end up with your phone. And lastly, You inevitably bring your phone out during social events. For example, at a meal, you set it beside your plate so you don't miss out on anything important. Those are all warning signs that you're a fubber or a phone snubber.

Now I want to talk about something that's probably even just as important as marriage being affected. And again, think about this: 80% of marriages are negatively affected by smartphone use, and fubbing is the number one thing that is damaging relationships when it comes to smartphone use.

Now, a recent study published in Frontiers Journal reveals that parents who spend time on their phones while ignoring their kids increase social anxiety, lower self-control for kids, and increase risk of academic burnout in adolescence. Now, it can leave children feeling rejected and neglected by their own parents.

Think about how you feel if you're having a conversation saying something meaningful, all of a sudden somebody turns from you and starts, you know, focusing on their phone. Kids are even more sensitive to you are than this, and they're being developed. So parent responsiveness and reflection are crucial for children's validation and development of their social regulation and social skills.

So when parents consistently phone snub children, they receive a message leading to struggles with self-esteem, self-control, and again, social skills long-term. Here's the solution. Set dedicated phone-free time like family dinner to fully engage with your children and show them your priorities. So either be present with your kids or be off on the phone during scheduled time.

It's really important that you're present and attentive. And when you crave sensory input, try doing something else. So here's what's going to happen when you start to move away from your phone. You're going to crave it again. Okay. Just like a drug or sugar or whatever sort of addiction, other addictions are out there. Instead, be aware, be mentally aware.

The wisest people that have ever lived live in a state of awareness and say, you know what, I'm going to take this and I'm going to go for a walk instead. I'm going to engage in a conversation instead. I'm going to play with my kids or help them instead. So find alternative ways to connect that don't involve a screen.

And if you want to raise confident and caring kids, Set up smartphone boundaries and engage deeply daily with your kids. Listen to this. Ultimately, phubbing or phone snubbing lessens the quality of bonding experiences, which then when that happens repeatedly, repeatedly damages your relationships.

So if you want to be a great parent, if you want to be a great spouse, if you want to be a great friend, stop phubbing or phone snubbing And pay attention to the person that's right in front of you, that person that is so important to you in your life.

And if you want to, hey, continue to learn more about phubbing and phone snubbing, I wrote an article on it with one of my team members, Tyler, on leaders.com. You can go to leaders.com and look up phubbing. We have an article on there. Hey, I hope you've enjoyed this video and the latest breaking news on phubbing, also known as phone snubbing.